Take it easy

I am serious person. I just can’t take things easily. Especially those involve with me, for example, my research. When I saw my colleague or juniors being hard working, I start to envy them and try to think or plan what I should do next. But then experiment sometimes has pending time, needs to wait. I can’t let myself be idle, because seeing I have nothing to do makes me feel guilty or worry.  Worries like I have been idle for so long how am I going to graduate in 2 years time? Or Will my experiment going to be success? Etc.

This is the bad habit of a person who can’t take it easy and with unsecure personality.

Just this afternoon, my seniors told me I should come to work during the weekends, as it will help to speed up my research.  But I can’t, I mean I’m busy during the weekends, family time, need to clean up, and going to the church and last but not least rest time. I have my own reasons and point of view, but still, their words haunt me till now…

I am a perfectionist but I waste a lot of time just to ponder. To must thinking and planning but no actual action, so, end up nothing. Then worrying again…

Why can’t I just take it easy? Forget about everything enjoy my weekends thoroughly and starts a new energetic day on Monday?

Last Tuesday night, I got rejected for home tuition. My 1^st student suddenly sms me that night and told me that she wants to stop the tuition after 1 month tuition. Again, I started to worry, was it my method of teaching?  But what I worried most is that without the tuition fee how am I going to help my parents? [Now the economy is very bad and their business doesn’t goes well, and as their only daughter I got this responsibility to help them] Then I get another case of tuition RM600 3hrs, once a week teaching private school’s form 3 math, science and geography. It’s a good bargain; still I worry again whether I’ll be able to teach or not because the standard of private school is higher than the PMR, etc. But then I still yet to receive call from the student. Then my dad said just takes it easy. If she calls then accept it, if not forget about it…

I had been wondering why I’m so persistent or should I say stubborn? Why can’t I just take it easy? Enjoy a bit then think about it later or let it be? Since no matter how I ponder I still can’t actually help my parents in the financial problems. Instead, I should have planned my research and work it with effort and pray that I will be able to graduate faster and finally get into a proper job.

I know exactly what I should do but still I can’t stop worrying..

What a 矛盾 person I am….